


This Love

by emilyjade91



Category: Baby-Sitters Club - All Media Types, Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin
Genre: F/M, First Love, Heartbreak, High School, Loss of Virginity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-29
Updated: 2014-03-29
Packaged: 2018-01-17 10:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1383397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilyjade91/pseuds/emilyjade91
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love Hurts. Love betrays. Love is what makes us human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Love

_This love_  
This love is a strange love  
In that it can lift a love  
This love

Sam Thomas is one of my best friends brother.

Correction: _she was once one of my best friends._

I'm in sophomore year. He's a senior.

That didn't stop us from having a relationship behind everyone's back.

I knew I wasn't his first, but he was to me.

He was my first love. He was my first _everything_.

It wasn't until the moment I realized how much I was going to miss him in the fall. Him, going to college, most likely far away and me, continuing at SHS in the eleventh grade. Sex had been a topic of relationship for almost a month. That's what I loved about Sam so much, was that he didn't pressure me into it.

It was more like the other way around. I thought that's what he wanted.

We had a long discussion and Sam trying to swing my mind off it, and two months later we finally did it. I gave myself to him.

And that turned our relationship into a nightmare.

/

It was a sunny, cloudless day in late April of sophomore year. I had just been let out of eighth period algebra and I was heading home with my best friend, Claudia Kishi. Claudia had just been in her remedial maths class, and had proceed to whine to me about it. Not that I minded. My head was in clouds thinking about Sam and what could possibly happen tonight on our date at my house.

"Mom doesn't get it! It's never going to change. I am forever going to be in remedial maths classes! There is nothing destiny can do about it unless Janine and I switch brains…" Claudia exclaimed, waving her hands around as we began to travel away from the school.

I noticed up ahead, Mary Anne Spier, Kristy Thomas and Abby Stevenson standing around and chatting together. It had been over a year since we went our separate ways. Mary Anne, Kristy and Abby just drifted away… or maybe Claud and I did. Claud and I kind of became popular and so we began sitting with them at lunchtime and not with the other three members of the baby-sitters club. Things became so hectic that Claud and I both dropped out and it caused a huge fight between us and Kristy and we've never spoken since. Every time I ring the doorbell at Sam's house (Sam is Kristy's older brother) and Kristy opens the door, she glares at me. I guess she still hates me still. "Claud, you are smart in your own ways. One day, you'll be a successful artist and your parents will finally realize."

Claudia scoffed. "In a million years when the sky is purple and horses can speak Russian." We giggled. "My house until your date?" She asked.

I smiled and nodded. "Sure." I replied. Claudia and I spent every afternoon together, at each others house if we had it off. Last year in freshman year, I helped Claudia pass maths. Her parents think of me as some kind of mini-Janine that doesn't apply herself. I had gotten the top marks of my Advanced algebra class. "I'll just have to ring Sam later to tell him where to meet me."

Claudia smirked. "For some sexy time?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. The piercing shone brightly in the afternoon sun. A clear defiance of her parents rules.

I laughed. "Claud, get your mind out of the gutter!" I exclaimed, taking a swipe at her shoulder. I began to remember last year. Freshman year. The year where we finally transferred from the middle school to the high school. I remember my first day. I have to admit, I was so scared, so nervous that I threw up as soon as I woke up from an uneasy sleep. Turns out Claudia did the same thing and we clutched hands as we made our way down the hallway between the mass amount of students. I remember the first BSC meeting that afternoon. Kristy had told us loudly that Alan Grey, Claudia's ex-boyfriend, tripped her over and she caused a avalanche of students on the stairwell. Abby and Kristy then began to discuss what sports that they'd want to get involved with. Mary Anne had a pained look on her face the whole time. I knew she was thinking about the future, and how this could possibly be one of the last times we'd be together in this room. I half-expected her to start crying. Jessi, a ex- baby-sitters club member who was only in the seventh grade, sat closely and listened to every word like it was the most important information she'd ever hear. I had remembered sitting there, munching on pretzel's and daydreaming about Sam. I had seen Sam during period three and four in the hallway. He had been walking the opposite direction, and I had kept replaying the look he had given me. Once everyone had left, besides Claud, because we had met up in her room, I had told her everything. Sam's look, my constant replaying of him walking towards me and then _that_ semi-pornographic daydream I had in English that afternoon.

"Sorry, my mind is always in the gutter, thank-you." She replied, smiling. She tossed her long hair over her shoulders. "Guess who called me last night?" She asked, as she unlocked her front door. Of course, nobody was home. Mr and Mrs Kishi were still at work and Janine was living on campus at college.

"Who?" I asked. I had no clue. Claudia seemed to have guys hanging off her a lot lately, and there seemed to be a new story everyday.

"Alan Grey." Her face smirking. A big story was about to come up.

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed as we ran up the stairs. "Since when was he back in the picture?" I asked.

"Well… remember Rachel Evan's birthday party two weeks ago?" She asked, dropping her book bag on the messy floor. Remember? Boy, did I. Images of Sam and I making out up against the house came fresh to my mind. Him taking my hand, me following him to the side of the house, him pushing me up against the wall, kissing me, him picking me up, me wrapping my legs around his waist....

"…Yeah…" I said, nodding my head and joining her on her un-made bed. "What happened?" I asked.

"Well… I was out in the living room chatting to Erica and Alan just turns up at my elbow and goes to me, 'Can I talk to you?' and I said okay… and he got kind of jumpy and was like, 'In private' and I was like, yeah, okay… and anyways long dramatic story later, he says he misses me and wants me back!" She finished, waving her arms around.

"Alan wants you back?" I asked. "But I thought he broke up with you?" Alan had broken up with Claudia just as summer ended before we went into freshman year.

Claudia nodded her head. "Yeah, I know." She said. "Anyways, missy-poo. I'm not the one dating a senior when I'm a sophomore. Woman, you are so lucky!"

I smiled. I always felt special since Sam and I started dating over six months ago. After countless make out sessions and random dates, he had finally asked me out. "Thanks, but you know I'm constantly apparently breaking up with him, you know. According to the rumour mill."

"I bet half of those rumors are started by Kristy. She'd do anything to stop you two from going out!"

Kristy was very anti Sam dating Stacey and was very open about it. Every time I saw her, she evil eyed me and started whispering into the person next to her ear. "Yeah I know she would." Kristy would kill me if she ever saw or heard about the dream I had two nights ago. Sam and I were getting closer in our relationship. That kind of close, where I was thinking of taking things to the next level. I knew I wasn't going to be Sam's first, but he was going to be mine. He wanted it to go down perfect. He wanted to wait until I was completely ready. I kept insisting that I'd be ready now, better than later. But Sam chuckled and told me to keep it in my pants. I had retorted that I wanted him in _my_ pants. I called Sam, telling me where to meet me. We were simply going to my house because my mom was finishing work late, around eleven, and it'd give us some privacy. Claudia and I were in the middle of talking about the English teachers when the doorbell rang downstairs. "Time for me to go!" I said, grinning.

Claudia began to wiggle eyebrows again. "Have fun." She said, drawing it out. She pulled out her black-covered sketchbook. Claudia was a very talented artist.

I walked out of Claudia's room, closing the door and made my way downstairs. I opened the front door. Standing there, head of dark brown curls, dark blue eyes and pale skin, was Sam Thomas. "The great love of my life" - according to Claud. "Hi." I said, softly as I embraced him.

"Stace." He said in my ear. I felt so special. I remember back in seventh grade when I first met him. Over two years we dated on and off. I had heaps of other boyfriends but none of them, including Robert, made me feel the way Sam did.

"My house?" I asked, as we took off down Bradford court.

Sam nodded. "Your mom isn't going to be home tonight, right?"

I smiled. This was all going to plan. I wanted Sam to realize how much I wanted him. How much I was serious about him. "Nope. Well, not at least till eleven. We'll have the house all to ourselves." Sam grinned back. I squeezed Sam's hand as we turned down my street. I was so nervous. I opened my front door and let Sam in, then locked it. I wanted no interruptions tonight.

"What are we going to do?" He asked, with his trademark bad-ass-smirk on his face.

I dropped my book bag next to the foyer closet and tossed the keys onto the tiny table next to it. "Well… I have one thing in mind." I said, slowly, moving towards him.

Sam grinned, and pulled me closer to him. "What do you exactly have in mind?"

I smiled into the crook of his neck. There was only five inches separating us from eye contact. "You know what I want, Sam." I said, feeling his fingers tighten the grip on my sweater.

Sam pulled away. "Stace, we've talked about this a million times. When you are ready." He said. His dark blue eyes narrowing. "Stacey, you're only sixteen. You just turned sixteen. I'm going to be turning eighteen in the end of June. You're too young."

I looked at him and moved backwards. "And how old were you Sam?" I asked, bitterly.

He frowned. "I was fifteen." He muttered. Sam was a ladies man at High School. Some girls had been eager to tell me about the 'adventures' they had with Sam.

"See! And you think _I'm_ too young. Bullshit Sam!" I exclaimed. "You don't know how much I want to prove to you how much I love you." I said. I felt tears glistening in my eyes.

"You don't need to prove me anything, Stacey." He said. I sniffled. "Stacey, I just don't you to make a decision and regret it."

"I'm not going to regret anything! I love you! Can't you see that?" A tear slipped down my cheek. Why was Sam doing this? Couldn't he see…?

Sam leaned forward and wiped the stray tear away. "I can see it. I love you too. But what if you regret it, what are you going to do Stacey? Hate me?"

I shook my head. "I'd never regret it, Sam. Never ever." I thought my voice was going to give out. "Even if you hurt me afterwards. If you ever broke up with me, I'd wouldn't hate you."

Sam leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips. "That's why I want to take it slow. You're the first girl that I've ever felt this strongly about and I don't want to mess it up." I looked up at him. He was so god damn… I couldn't get angry at him. All I could do was smile at him.

/

It was Monday morning and I was on my way to meet up with Claudia for our usual morning walk to school. I hadn't told her about Friday night yet. I was waiting for this morning, where I could tell her face to face. What Sam had said to me on Friday night, had made me feel even more in love with him. If that was even possible. There, standing on the sidewalk outside her house, was Claudia. She was wearing dark purple jeans and a black tank top with a silver sparkly cardigan over the top. Claudia dressed so different to what she used to in middle school. She stopped dressing 'flashy' when we started high school. And she started acting out towards her parents. They had massive fights and Claudia tested them in anyway she could. That explains the eyebrow piercing. "Hey!" I called out, as I jogged up towards her.

She turned and grinned. "Okay, you owe me! How was Friday night?" She asked, as she slipped her arm into mine and we began our way to SHS.

"We didn't do it."

Claudia's mouth hung open. That was the reaction I was waiting for. "But!" She spurted out. "You! Him! Meant to be!" She exclaimed. "How come it didn't happen?" She said, eyes wide with shock.

I shrugged. "He still thinks that I'm too young."

"And he wasn't? I heard he lost back at the end of sophomore year." Of course she had. Gossip spread like wildfire at SHS. "Man, he is serious about this." I was serious about getting him off being so tight about me and my age. So what if he was eighteen in June? I didn't care.

/

It was Tuesday night. Mom was going out to Stamford with some of her co-workers for the night and returning the next morning. I seized this as another opportunity for Sam to wake up and smelled the roses. He had told his parents that he'd be staying at friends house, because I highly doubted they'd let Sam stay at his girlfriend's house on a school night with no parent present. Because it was oddly humid, I wore a short, white sundress that barely reach mid-thigh. I didn't choose to wear it on purpose. I was pacing upstairs, sweating and wringing my hands. I didn't want a repeat of Friday night. I wanted everything prefect. I heard the doorbell ring. I froze on the spot. I flicked my hair over my shoulder and ran down the stairs. I swung open the door. There, in a t-shirt and knee-length pants, was Sam. I smiled. "Hey." I said softly, opening the door wider. He walked in and kicked off his shoes.

"Hey." He said, grinning at me. He extended an arm and pulled me closer to him. "I'm sorry about Friday." He said.

"Me too." I said.

"I was hoping I could… make it up to you." He said. "I guess I over reacted the other day." What was he going on about? He didn't need to make it up to me.

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"That… we could… you know." I froze. Was he being serious? Or was it some kind of joke.

"Are you sure?" I asked, searching his blue eyes for an answer.

He nodded. "I'm sure." He leaned down and kissed me softly on the lips. "I hope you know your making the right decision.

I nodded. "I am." I said. I thought my voice was going to give out. I wanted to jump up and down and scream. I slipped my hand into Sam's. I turned and begun to lead him up the stairs.

/

I woke up, startled, as my legs were wrapped up in my sheet. It was still stinking hot, and despite my nakedness, my hair was plastered to the back of my neck. I rolled over, expecting Sam to still be there, I got a shock when he wasn't. "Sam?" I called, softly. I sat up, keeping the sheet close to my body. I panicked. Where was he? Did he just skip out? I grabbed the sheet, as I stood up, walking out my bedroom. I could hear the shower down the hall. I breathed in deeply in relief. I leaned into the wall. I was relieved that he hadn't skipped out on me, after last night. Last night was… I have no words to describe it. I had led Sam up the stairs, into my bedroom. I had butterflies in my stomach. I got very nervous and scared. What if I wasn't good enough for him? It hurt. I knew that was going to hurt. I thought something inside of me was ripping apart. I cried. I felt weak. Sam kept apologizing because I just kept crying until it stopped hurting. The bathroom door opened and Sam walked out, fully dressed.

"Hey." He said, softly, walking over towards me. He leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.

"Good morning." I said back, almost as soft as he had spoken. There was a moment of awkwardness. I had no idea what to say. "Uh… I'm… going to take a shower." I said, bolting into the steamy bathroom.

/

"It was so awkward." I said to Claudia, as we sat in her bedroom that afternoon. "I didn't know what to say." After the shower, it had gotten very quite between us and we didn't talk until we reached the high school.

Claudia shrugged her shoulders. "Of course it was going to be awkward. It is always awkward."

"And how would you know?" I asked.

Claudia flushed a bright pink in her cheeks. "I guess I never told you the… longer version of Rachel Evan's birthday party." Oh no…! Please don't say you had sex with Alan Grey, Claudia! "I never told you the full story of Alan's and mine talk." This was seriously turning bad. "Alan and I had a shouting match and it ended when he kissed me and… it led to… you know… sex."

"YOU HAD SEX WITH ALAN GREY?" I yelled on the top of my voice. I was very lucky it was only us again.

Claudia held a pillow in front of her face. "I know, I'm a moron. Tell me I did the very one wrong thing I never wanted to do!"

"I can't believe it! You and him! Your first time was with Alan Grey?"

Claud nodded. "And I was his first!" She exclaimed, her face still bright red.

I giggled. "Maybe this is trying to tell you something about you two. Maybe your destined to be together!"

Claud's face fell. "No way! You are not allowed to tell anyone! _Anyone_!"

/

Three days went by. Three days Sam and I didn't talk. Not once. I didn't seem him at school. Everyday, every night that went by, the pit in the bottom of stomach got deeper. What had happened that had made him not talk to me? Was it the fact that we did have sex, that he didn't want to talk to me? The weekend went by. Not one phone call. I was too scared to call him. Especially if Kristy answered the phone. I faked a stomach ache on Monday, so Mom let me stay home from school. I did really feel like I had a stomach ache, from worrying about Sam. At 3.45pm, the doorbell rang. I rushed to the door and opened it. There, standing with a grim look on her face was, Claudia. "Hey." I said, trying to hide my disappointment of it not being Sam. I didn't mind that it was Claudia. I frowned at the look on her face. "What's wrong?" I asked. "Was it Alan?"

Claudia shook her head. "Can I come in and tell you?" She asked.

I nodded, and held the door open. We walked into the living room and sat on the couch. "Come on, Claud. What's so bad that you can't tell me over the phone?"

Claudia stared at her hands. "It's Sam."

I blinked a few times. "Sam?" I asked. "What's wrong with Sam?"

"There isn't anything… _wrong_ … with Sam."

"Then what is it?"

"You know how… Rick Chow had a party on Saturday?" I nodded. "Well… I went but I was… um… busy with other people but this comes from Mary Anne."

"Your going to believe Mary Anne?" I asked. "Why were you talking to her?"

Claudia frowned. "You know Mary Anne is in my home economics class. She helps me out, and she's not angry at us like Kristy and Abby. Anyways, she says she saw Sam at Rick's party. And he wasn't alone."

"What do you mean, 'He wasn't alone'?" I asked. The pit in my stomach got bigger.

"Mary Anne saw him leave with Jacqui Grant."

I froze. I stopped breathing. "Jacqui Grant?" I asked. Tears formed in my eyes. No. Way. No. Fucking. Way. "Are you fucking serious?" I asked. The tears began to streak my cheeks.

I felt Claud move next to me and hug me tightly. "That's what I said. Mary Anne says she's so sorry. She thinks she was dreaming it."

"She most likely was!" I sobbed into Claudia's hair-covered shoulder. "How can…"

"I know." Claud said, softly. "Maybe you should talk to him?" She asked.

I shook my head. "I can't. I don't know what to say."

/

I went to school the next day. At lunchtime, Mary Anne met me and Claud in the library.

"Hey Stace." Mary Anne said as she and Claud walked over to me from their home economics class.

"Hi." I said. I realized Mary Anne hadn't really changed since I had last seen her up close. She wore nice, fashionable clothes that suited her, her hair was a little longer and she wore a little silver ring with a ruby diamond on it on her right index finger. I knew that was a one-year-anniversary present from Cary Retlin.

"I'm so sorry, Stacey."

"Sorry for what?" I asked. Typical Mary Anne. I expect tears in matter of moments.

I watched her fumble for words. "For…uh… breaking the news about…" She couldn't say his name. Neither could I.

"It's okay." I said, looking down at the ugly brown table. "It's nice to know you still care."

"Of course I do, Stace. Just because we're not close friends anymore, doesn't mean I don't care. You think that all that time we were best friends, doesn't mean anything to me? It does! I will always look out for you, never mind what Kristy says."

I scoffed. "Kristy doesn't care about any of us anymore. She just cares about what varsity team she gets on."

"Like she doesn't care about me anymore either." Mary Anne mumbled. I began to feel sorry for her. Kristy had always been judgmental and against Cary and Mary Anne dating, like me and Sam. Were Sam and I even together anymore? I looked up at Mary Anne and Claudia. Chocolate brown, almost-black and sky blue met. We were lost for words.

We didn't speak for the rest of lunch.

/

I didn't attempt to talk to Sam for another two days. For those two days, Mary Anne and Claud helped me prepare what I was going to say. I wasn't going to yell. Or get angry. Mary Anne had become apart of our group, that just consisted of us three. I picked up the house phone, ready to dial Sam's, when the doorbell rang. I put the phone down and walked to the front door, and opened it. There, standing with his hands in his pockets, was Sam. "What do you want?" I snapped, forgetting about the whole 'not allowed to get angry' part.

He looked up at me. "We need to talk." He said.

I crossed my arms. "I guess we do. Talk."

"Who told you about Jacqui Grant?" He asked.

"Mary Anne Spier." I replied. "Why do you need to know?" I asked. His gaze faltered.

"I was just wondering."

"So it's true? Mary Anne was right about you leaving with Jacqui?"

"Yes."

I froze. He was admitting. Mary Anne had been right. The pit in my stomach had swallowed me whole. "What happened between you two?"

"She took me back to her house." And? "We slept together." BAM! I slammed the door. "Stacey!" He called. I couldn't blink. I couldn't breathe.

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled. "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" I screamed at him, as tears poured down my face. "AFTER I GAVE MYSELF TO _YOU_."

"Stace, believe me. I didn't want too. I was just…"

"Just what, Sam!" I yelled through the door. No way was I going to open it up and see his face. "Just looking for a good old sophomore girl to fuck?"

"Stacey, I want to explain this to you. I never wanted it to happen this way."

"Bullshit! Just leave me alone!" I bolted the door shut and ran upstairs. I hid in the bathroom for the next three hours.

/

It was two weeks later, when a very hot spring Sunday afternoon rolled around. I was sitting on the porch steps, when Claud rocked up for our sleepover. "Hey." I called, as she made her way up the driveway.

"Hi!" She called brightly. She had reasons to be happy. Alan Grey had asked her out. "Man, isn't it hot!"

"Yeah it is." I replied. I was sure Claudia and Alan were going to spend the rest of high school, and possibly more, dating. The same with Mary Anne and Cary. I had ten bucks on a bet with Claud that those two would be the first to get married.

"I have a question." Claudia said.

I raised an eyebrow. "What kind?"

"Why did you sleep with Sam?" She asked. I had expected this question to come along, sooner or later. I more expected it from Mary Anne, rather than Claud.

I shrugged my shoulders. "It felt right. I felt the need to show him how much… I loved him." I didn't know if that was the real answer. I didn't know if I'd ever know.

Claudia picked out a daisy from the garden bed next to her and twirled it in her fingers. "I guess that's just the same, with me and Alan." She smiled. "I think I love him." A pang went through my heart.

I couldn't be sad for what she felt. "That's a good thing."

/

Graduation for the seniors' happened. I watched as Sam Thomas got his diploma. I clapped for him. School ended for the year. Jacqui Grant was moving to North Carolina with her father, as her parent's split up. I felt a bit better. Both Sam and Jacqui wouldn't be in my life. I was in my backyard, watching the Pike children play.

"It get's harder to watch children play." I heard some speak behind me. I turned around. Sam Thomas stood in my backyard. I hadn't seen him face to face since he admitted to me. "I'm coming to apologize." He said.

I nodded. "Consider it approved." I said. I was over it. I didn't want to keep it going forever.

He smiled. The sparkling blue eyes crinkled with happiness. "Good." He said, nodding. He reached into his pants' pocket. "I have something to give to you. Something that I was meant to give you ages ago." He looked down at the little box. "I still want you to have it."

"What is it?" I asked.

He reached out and gave it to me. "Open it when I go." He said softly. He seemed to tower over me. He was standing so close. "I leave for California tomorrow." I remembered hearing that Sam was going to UCLA doing a mathematics and economics course. One thing we had in common. "Goodbye, Stace." He whispered. He leaned down and kissed my forehead softly. He gave me one last smile, and walked away.

I looked down at the red velvet box. I opened it. Inside was a silver ring. I pulled it out. Inside was in graved, _S &S forever_. Tears formed in my eyes. Maybe we could have a future. I closed my eyes, the tears spilling as I slipped the ring onto my finger. I smiled.

I still loved him.


End file.
